Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Down Baby Down

Today marks the official job searching day. I looked for about an hour at possible leads on the internet. Tomorrow I have an interview with a suspicious company, Healthcare Solutions. Has anyone heard of this place? Wish me something.

Listening to: Random library noises like whispered conversations that I can still hear, clicking of the computer keyboards, some guy outside the door talking way to loud, and the clearing of throats.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

The Reasons Why I Will Always Love Luke

He's one of the program writers who's comments I always respected and looked forward to reading.

His peculiar voice.

His stories are always so luke-like and lyrical (e.g."Palestine Boy").

He always liked when I would let my "Soul Glo" with a song.

He always signed me up for Writer's Bloc.

He's the nicest person I know, and the only one who would put up with Dodie's bullsh*t.

He's just Luke and doesn't try to be anyone else.

In August when I'm not packing up to come back to Mankato, he's the one I'm going to miss then, and the one I miss now.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The Sun Also Rises

Yesterday I read three encouraging comments that made me feel better about things even before I learned that I did not get the fellowship. I'm grateful to have people in my life who truly care about my well-being :). And although I won't be going to Washington at the end of this year, the e-mail I received was pretty encouraging. I'm going to take this missed opportunity as a good thing because maybe it is time for me to go home--maybe there's something I have to accomplish there.

Anyway, thank you guys for all your support because I need it.

loveandlight, A.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Inside of Me Pt. 1: Smells Like Rejection

This is long.


Today I probably should mail my other boxes home.

Listening to: Nothing

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

You're Not The Only One That Hates To See Me Go

In August it's going to be weird not saying goodbye to my friends and family and packing up my Sable and taking that dreaded drive to Mankato. In August it's going to be weird not leaving my hotel job as the PBX operator early to come to Mankato and be broke for about a month. In August it's going to be weird not being in school--not coming to play my life here in Mankato with the friends and faculty in MSU's English department. (Tear, tear).

Last night, I said goodbye to a friend and it really hit me that things are changing and that I will have to leave myself in a couple of weeks. And after some minutes of weeping, I realized that even though my time is up here in Mankato (and that I can no longer live the fab life as a student), this chapter of my life is complete. What I'm about to say next may come as a shock to some, but I can be very sentimental about major changes like moving. It's funny because I had the same reaction when it was time to move to Mankato three years ago. I guess the program and the friends I've gained here can be to blame for my melancholy because you all have made this experience better than I could have ever expected. (Smile, smile).

With that off my chest, I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life. And to the surprise of a particular faculty member at MSU, this next chapter of Toni Kay will involve the writing of a novel. Yes, you read right! This person knows that I've resisted this idea for about a year, but now I will wholeheartedly admit that this format has been calling my name for some time. So yes, I am excited about the writing I will do, the jobs will work, and the next group of people I will meet. I've come from the big city to no city at all, but it's been fun and I owe it to my friends and advisors. (Live, laugh, and love).

Listening to: LIGHTS--February Air (I love this song)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Whenever You Think of Love Think of Me

Once again another title with absolutely nothing to do with anything, really. Well, this morning I'm feeling kind of fine. Got a call from a friend that made me smile. Discovered some computer games on my computer that I didn't know were there. Didn't wake with a headache after last night's fun (How do I reach these kids?). So yeah, I'm feeling good.

After viewing some of my fellow MFAers blogs, I noticed that there were lists made about "5 Things I Expected/Remember/Hated about Graduation." Some of the things listed were entertaining, but I'm not going to do that here. Instead I will offer some parting advice to the first and second years that I'm leaving behind to pick up the torch and not make the dynamics of this program so damn weird. We are/were all here to write (laugh, love, fu$k, and drink liquor--in the words of Coup) so things should never get complicated. These three years for all of us should be a time of discovery, shaping, and growth as writers--human things--and artists. Basically, we should be forming writing groups and not alliances.

So now to the good stuff.

5 Ways to Survive Grad School (the creative way)

1. Learn early on how to weed out the bullshit from others (and sometimes yourself).
2. Write true to who you are. Write what you want and disregard any workshop comments about believability, commercial appeal, or whether your story will make someone happy or not.
3. Be direct.
4. Get started on your thesis as early as possible.
5. Be in love with your characters in a "Fatal Attraction" kind of way because the more you know about the people you create on the page the easier plot choices will come.
6. And this is a bonus, but remember no one writer is better than the next because everyone was accepted into the same program.

Listening to: Duffy--Mercy

Monday, May 12, 2008

Woke Up This Morning and Got Urself a Gun

First let me say that the title has nothing to do with what is going to be read here. Sometimes I can be very random, but anyway.

Today marks the official day of "I'm done with school so now I have to get a life." Even though I don't have a job, am not madly in love with anyone, and still don't like mussels--I have to move on and become somebody or something.

As I think about the Antoinette from three years ago, I smile because she thought there was going to be some magical thing to take place that would jumpstart everything. The Antoinette from three years ago was a dreamer for the sake of dreaming. Although being a dreamer is not a bad thing, there's something different with the Antoinette of today. She knows that dreaming helps those realize what they want out of life, but it takes more than just looking up into the sky and hoping for the best. The Antoinette from three years later knows that it's going to take some diligence and time to get to where she wants and needs to be.

So with that in mind, the Antoinette from three years later will continue to write and wait, wait and pray, pray and trust that God will lead her to where He wants her to be.

Listening to LIGHTS--February Air

Sunday, May 11, 2008

P.S. I'm Leaving You

Mankato, Mankato how much do I love thee. O let me count the ways... Well, it's time to say goodbye to my life as a student, to the place where I've met so many interesting and inspiring people (inspiring might be a bit much), but I will indeed cherish the friendships I've built here.

I'm leaving grad school and it's time to get a life basically. I'm ready to live as an adult who contributes something that the world needs. This time in Mankato has been a growing experience that I'm so blessed to have endured. With all the good times and not so good times, I will say bye bye to go live life in the real world.